Written by Darren Carlson, pastor at Redeemer Church in Bozeman, Montana

I’ve been thinking a lot about pastors and friendship lately. In 1991, Christianity Today ran an article with the title “Everyone’s Pastor, No One’s Friend.” Ouch. But if you’ve been in ministry any length of time, you know the ache behind those words. I keep coming back to one question: Why is it so hard for pastors to have friends?

Some of it is the dueling roles we carry. If you’re in my church, am I your pastor, friend, or counselor? Yes. If you’re on staff, I’m also your boss. Therapists have rules about not being socially or relationally involved in the lives of the people they meet with. Not so with us.

Then there’s the power dynamic. Congregation members and staff filter what they say around the one who preaches, hires, and leads. We often filter what we say, too, because we’re worried that more vulnerable or unguarded words may be repeated in the community as gossip, or in a meeting during a vote.

If we’re not careful, pastors can even see loneliness as more spiritual, acting as if being without close friends is just part of the sacrifice of ministry.

Criticism also makes friendship harder. I’ve gotten my share of anonymous letters over the years. Our staff jokingly calls them “fan mail.” A pastor once told me his response to such criticism: “Tell me something else Christ died for.” That has a way of disarming shame and opening the door to repentance. Still, when the stream of critique keeps coming, it can tempt us to retreat—not only from risk but from real relationships.

Another factor is that many congregations view pastors as temporary. One of my pastor friends was told on his first Sunday, “Don’t worry. I’ll be here when you leave.” That wasn’t meant cruelly, but it underscored that the pastor was viewed as a chapter, not the story. When people expect you’ll move on soon, relationships easily become transactional. They call when they need you, but rarely just to check in.

I’m not rehearsing all this to complain. I’ve been blessed with true friends while in pastoral ministry. I know they’re friends, because they know my quirks, see my weaknesses, press in when I’m stubborn, pray for me when I’m weary, and—thankfully—laugh at me often.

Pastor, Jesus called his disciples friends (John 15:15). He lived with circles of relationship—crowds, the Twelve, and an inner three. If our Master prioritized friendship, so should we. So throw away the anonymous “fan mail.” Keep a file of encouraging notes to reread on hard days instead. Have compassion for those who struggle to relate to you as an authority. And don’t settle for being everyone’s pastor and no one’s friend.

—Darren