I have the theological answer for the question: I am selfish because I am sinfully prideful. However, I am trying to contemplatively arrest my illogical persistence in exalting myself. Perhaps you can relate?
I understand that everything that is “painful and bad” in my life comes as a result of sin. I also understand that much of the difficulty in my own life comes as a result of my own sin.
Two areas that are near and dear to my own heart and perhaps yours as well are marriage and parenting. When my wife and I have a disagreement I know that the Bible teaches that there is some element of pride welling up and manifesting itself somewhere in the conversation (cf. James 4.1-2). However, even with this theological understanding I persist to advocate for myself and sometimes do not play fair. It is as if in the midst of such conversations I pull a Jedi-Mind Trick on myself and forget all of my biblical theology in place of my erik-ology.
Similarly in parenting I see selfishness. I know that Hebrews 12 teaches that if I follow the paternal example of love then I will discipline my children. However, there are times when discipline is weighed against personal convenience and comfort and found wanting.
Why am I selfish like this? And further why do I let my heart deceive me in such a way?
Today I have been thinking about this and feel as though I have, by God’s grace, gained some ground.
Jesus Christ is the fountain of all of my goodness. He became that fountain for me by selflessly (incarnation) bearing (cross) my own selfishness (sin). He, who is first, came and put himself last for me the one who should be last but had put myself first. Make sense? The whole incarnation and death of Jesus is a glorious act of divine selflessness to rescue me from the consequences of my own selfishness and enable me to live selflessly for the glory of another.
When I, in any context, revert back to the manner of ungodliness that hammered the nails into the selfless Savior I am abominable. I am worse than the senseless dog who returns to his vomit. I am an enlightened sinner who should know better, not just after the fact but prior to and while in the midst of such selfishness.
I picked marriage and parenting but the list is endless. In reality any sin is a declaration of independence from the divine governor and tantamount to spiritual treason, regardless of my naturalization. I see this in prayerlessness through a self-loving silence in the prayer closet lest my heart might cry out its inadequacies and submissively pant for sovereign grace. I see it in a desire to put myself first, to receive praise from men, to think less of others, to compare and evaluate based upon my own standards, to dream about my own plans without consideration for God’s, and for the self-serving deception that tells me all is well.
I understand the answer theologically, however, understanding and application is a fine line that, among other things, distinguishes between demons and believers (Matt. 8.29; Jam. 2.19).
I need to see selfishness not just as that which is common but also that which is criminal. And I need to see selflessness as that which is following after the pattern of heroic love of Jesus who came to kill my pride and forge genuine humble self-forgetfulness in my soul.