Toxic Masculinity Isn’t the Only Masculinity

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Mark Vroegop
So Irwin, you and I share something in common, which is that we both have three sons, adult sons. And the environment in which we’ve had to raise children is different today than it was 20 years ago or 30 years ago. And there’s a particular topic that’s come up, that’s pretty important. But it can also be a little tricky to deal with. And that’s the issue of toxic masculinity. And so I wonder if maybe we could just talk about what do we mean by toxic masculinity first? And then how do we raise children? Specifically, how do we raise young men boys in an environment where toxic masculinity is a real issue, and needs to be something that we Shepherd their hearts over?

Irwyn Ince
That’s so important? Because in some sense, is the effect Oh, well, if everything is labeled as toxic masculinity been nothing, right? It’s toxic masculinity. There was a helpful article on this a few years ago, New York Times article that that was the title of the article, what is toxic masculinity. And the, the writer gave three helpful designations. The first one was not showing emotion or masking distress. The second one was having this exterior of toughness all of the time. And the third one was the notion of a violence as the means of expressing power. And so didn’t have to be physical violence, but you know, this kind of a violent presence. And so, and, and the writer said, you know, when you don’t do these things, the opposite of these things are considered feminine or soft or weak. Right. And so I think it’s helpful to say, Okay, right, that we could say that that is, if that’s what toxic masculinity is. That that’s false, right? That is a false type of masculinity that does do harm to both men and women and in broader society. And so when we think about, well, what is a healthy masculinity, it is important to know that one, masculinity is a thing. It’s real, that the God didn’t make an error when he made male and, and female. And so what we don’t want to do is just say, Okay, we’re going to define masculinity solely by things that that are culturally determined, and make that applicable across time and space and peoples. And what we’ve tried to do with our, with our sons, I’ve got a daughter as well, right? Well, we’ve tried to do with with our sons as I’ve tried to raise them that, you know, Paul’s exhortation, you know, parents, right, raise your children in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. And so that’s the first thing I do any type of masculinity femininity, is in the nurture of the Lord. So when I’m first concerned with all my sons holiness, they’re, they’re seeking to direct their lives and their actions, according to what God has said in his word. And so so you know, I don’t we kind of use phrases. Oh, you know, boys will be boys to kind of excuse things. We did not use language of saying, Hey, this is what a man does. This is, you know, like, be a man. Oh, love Jesus. Right? Well, I

Mark Vroegop
think what you’re getting at, I guess, really important is taking something that’s inherently good masculinity. And somebody that has different expressions of that, depending on the personality of the young boy that we’re dealing with, but realizing that the way in which that’s lived out and expressed, needs to be controlled both by the Spirit by their maturity and also needs to be tested, so that they learn the practice of control. It’s one thing to say be in control. It’s another to, you know, to try and find ways to be able to help them to put that into practice in real ways. You know, you mentioned like the emotions that are super covered like that’s toxic masculinity, I think not with my kids, but an example when I was coaching soccer and a little boy got hurt on the field about seven years old, and he was crying and his dad ran out in the field. and began yelling at him, stop crying, stop crying, stop crying as if a seven year old boy crying was somehow inappropriate. And sometimes a dad, I think, in that case is just reacting out of his own fear. But can project something that, you know, real men don’t cry, or I think of another one of our sons where they’re involved in basketball. You know, one son was convinced that it was a sin to follow somebody in, in basketball. And so as a result, he was super deferential. And he was really bad at basketball, and I literally had to end up saying to him, I’m gonna give you $1 For every foul that you get. But if you get to five, you fall out, you don’t get any. And so I’m trying to help him to learn, be assertive, play the game. Well, and then, you know, another one of my son’s, like falling was never considered something that was off his his radar, but instead was something we had to continually work on, hey, this is basketball, this isn’t football, right? And how do you control in aggressiveness that at one level is could be a gift and super focused, super channeled that energy in really great ways. But in other cases that could really go off the rails. And so I think, as parents, it’s having a good understanding of what does it mean to be masculine, being careful that we’re not overly prescriptive in that, but then also being really careful that we don’t either diminish things that are good, or allow things that could go off the rails, to not be in an environment where they’re controlled so they can be practice. So there’s enough discipline, if you will, in the person’s life by experience that they know, I feel this way, and I’ve been made this way, but it needs to be put in the context of how to help other people flourish and how to honor the Lord with my actions.